Parents Anonymous

8/31/19

Dear Todd,

I think there needs to be an AA for those living in the land of AA (adolescent angst). It would go something like this:

Parent: Hi, my name is 'Beth'.

Group: HI BETH.

Parent: Hi. Today I pissed off my teenager multiple times.

Group heaves a heavy knowing sigh

Parent: I have been thinking about each interaction and wondering what it was I did?

Group: HMMMM MMMMM

Parent: I've been tracing my steps in an effort to see where I went wrong.

Group leader: You are not alone. Why don't you take us through your day.

Parent: I took her to her audition for the Nutcracker.

Group: Ooooooh...

Parent: She wanted to go there.

Group: Did she?

Parent: She asked if I could take her there today.

Group: Then what happened?

Parent: She came out of the audition and did not want to speak.

Group: HMMMM MMMMMM

Parent: So I said some positive statements about bravery and effort.

Group: YOU DID WHAT?!?!?!

Parent: I know! I know! I screwed up! I quickly covered it with an offer to go to the dog park because she had asked about doing that today too.

Group: And then what happened?

Parent: The car got quiet, and she said, "Ok."

Group: Hmmmmm

Parent: I then said, "Why don't you run in and change and then we can go."

Group: EEEEESSSSH!!!!

Parent: I know! I know! but I really didn't want the ballet tights to get ruined at the dog park.

Group leader: I can't believe you suggested she change.

Parent: It gets worse.

Group: Noooooo

Parent: Yea. I chose the dog park closer to our house.

Group: And...

Parent: It's not the one she likes.

Group: (Collective face palm)

Parent: She told me in no uncertain terms that "THAT DOG PARK HAS NO DOGS."

Group: Amateur

Parent: I know. I just...

Group: Did you go to her favorite?

Parent: No

Group: Risky.

Parent: I know. But there were dogs at this one.

Group: Were they the right dogs?

Parent: No. No they were not.

Group: Better luck next time. What have you learned from this experience?

Parent: That it's not about me?

Group: Yes and...?

Parent: Nothing I do will be good enough for the next 10 years or so?

Group: Yes, Beth. Yes. See you tomorrow?

Parent: Yup. I'll have more to share. Thanks.

Somewhere near the end of August...

8/25/19 EC

Dear Todd,

I woke up this morning to Smokey Robinson's voice, circa Temptations era, singing "The Way You Do the Things You Do." This was not on the radio. It was live streaming in my brain, and the verse that was looping was "You could've been anything that you wanted too...and I can telllllll...."  And thus, at 6:09am on a Sunday morning, I awoke with a slightly racing heart and started questioning, "Am I living my best life?" What could I have been? Did I take all the right forks in the path. Was this all my own doing? And Why? How? Followed immediately by shame for not feeling the gratitude of the incredible gift I've been given of an amazing, wonderful, oh so lucky life I have had and am living. Even if I could have been a pop star or astronaut and blew it...

These thoughts were quickly interrupted by a ping of news on my phone launching me back into the black hole of helplessness and corporate greed, which led me to google property listings in Canada. It's now 6:12am.

Closing my phone and tossing it in a drawer, I snuggled onto my side, took a deep breath, and closed my eyes. It was then that a bunny, or a jogger, a small child, or a stray blade of grass blew past our house, catapulting the 85lb beast off our bed to fiercely guard our home with his giant yawlp.
In my fancy "monkey see monkey do" kind of way, I also leapt from our bed, half dressed with a stained t-shirt and tangled nest of hair and ran downstairs to yell at him.

"MAKE BETTER CHOICES," I said, staring him in the face, projecting all of my "what ifs" and shame on to the dog. Which makes perfect sense as to why he huffed away and secretly ate my flip flop.

8/25/19 AA
Meanwhile...there is no real-time meanwhile in AA, because it is 6:15am, and no adolescent is up. Not even in London, yet.

Dear Todd,

I have been hesitant to reboot this because sometimes it's hard to find the humor in this adolescent age. It has more of a "Oh God, what now?!" Which is linked directly to "How did this become my problem?" Coupled with, "Pretty sure I can't fix it." Spiraling into an existential "What's this all about anyway?" Punctuated by "It's how much?" and closing it all with avoidance and a glass of wine.
It was then that I realized...there is a humor. It's from the universe, laughing at all of us who waited until we were in our late twenties to thirties to have children unlike the early settlers who were pregnant at 12 and dead by 25. (You'll have to excuse my stats, we have teens and thus live within a world of hyperbole). But truly...the piece of having children younger, is that you eclipse the line-up of Adolescent Angst coupled with Existential Crisis. The two together is a sick sick joke. So I've decided to make these documentations two parts. One part AA (adolescent angst) and one part EC (existential crisis).

8/21/19
In the land of AA:
It is the second day of school for 6th, 8th and 10th. We have yet to post our "first day" pics on ye old inter-web. But they will not be easily forgotten. Our daughter was up at 5:30am, getting in a workout before putting on the outfit she picked out the night before...and despite all the prep, gave a first day scowl as if going to school was an evil, cruel plot we had orchestrated just for her---whom we must love least of all, clearly. Our 6th grader, bounced out of bed, fed his chickens (no that's not code for anything...we have 3 chickens to be discussed later) grabbed his bag and "pogo-ed" his way out the door. Our 10th grader, reluctantly posed outside (lest other high schoolers saw him) with the dog who, when you see the pictures, was clearly the most "excited" of all. Apparently our dog thinks of porn on the first day of school. Something else, I'm sure I can't fix.

In the land of EC:
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AND I SWEAR TO GOD YOU DON'T EITHER."

Love you. See you tomorrow.